$cientology,

Once upon a time or so all good fairy tales begin (approximately 75 million years ago to be more precise) there was a great and powerful alien galactic ruler, his name was Xenu.
Xenu, being your typical galactic ruler, was in charge of all the planets in this part of the galaxy which incidentally included our own planet Earth, except in back then to Xenu and his people it was called Teegeeack.

Now Xenu had a small problem. Each of the 76 or so planets he controlled was vastly over-populated. Each individual planet had on average a whopping 178 billion or so people. He sought to get rid of all the over population so he developed a cunning plan.

Xenu took over total control with the help of some faithful renegades to overpower the good people and the devoted Officers. Then with the help of psychiatrists he called in billions of people for income tax inspections. Once there they instead given numerous injections of alcohol and glycol mixed up specially to paralyse them. Then they were put into huge space planes that closely resembled present day DC8s (except they were rocket powered instead of relying on propellers).

These DC8-like space planes then flew to planet Teegeeack (Earth) where the paralysed and drugged people were unceremoniously placed around the bases of active volcanoes by their hundreds of billions. When they had completed stacking them in the region of aforementioned volcanoes then H-bombs were lowered in to place inside the volcanoes. Xenu then detonated all the H-bombs at the same time and everybody was killed in an instant, solving in one step his over crowding and over population problems..

Alas, the story doesn’t end there by any means. Since everyone has a soul (known as a “thetan” to Xenu and his chums) then you have to trick souls into not coming back again. So while the hundreds of billions of souls were being blown around by the nuclear winds cause by the H-bomb and volcanoes Xenu had special electronic traps made that caught all the souls in electronic beams (the electronic version of fly-paper).

After he had captured all these souls he had them crammed into boxes and taken to a few gigantic cinemas. There all the souls had to spend days watching special 3D motion pictures that told them what life should be like and many other confusing things. In this film they were shown false pictures and told they depicted things known as God, The Devil and Christ. This process is named “implanting”.

When the films ended and the souls left the cinema these souls started to stick together because since they had all seen the same film they thought they were the same people. They clustered in groups of a few thousand. Now because there were only a few living bodies left they stayed as clusters and inhabited these bodies.

As for Xenu, the Loyal Officers finally overthrew him and they locked him away in a mountain on one of the planets. He is kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery and Xenu is still alive today.

Thus ends the story.

Because of Xenu, and his actions today everyone is full of these clusters of souls called “body thetans”. And if we are to be a free soul then we have to remove all these “body thetans” and pay lots of money to do so. And the only reason people believe in God and Christ was because it was in the film their body thetans saw 75 million years ago.


Does this make perfect sense to you or does it seem like the product of a very badly written cheap 1950’s science fiction paperback?

To me, at least, it is the latter but to the people who follow $cientology it is the former.